let me brainwash you into forgiving your past

a conversation about toxic rumination

i used to wish i could forget my past. sometimes i felt like it was worth forgetting all the good memories if that meant i could forget the bad ones.

ariana hooked up to memory erasing machine in music video, ‘we can’t be friends.’

fortunately, barring a brain injury, you will not forget your past entirely. i say ‘fortunately’ because without your past, the prosperous future waiting for you would never unfold. as hard as my past traumas were, and as hard as yours were, they shape us into who we were meant to be.

perfectionism will kill you:

i ruminate so intensely on the past because of my need for perfection; and you likely do, too. perfectionism hated the cracks in my story, my mistakes, and the betrayal from others.

‘if i did this, i would’ve avoided saying something hurtful;

if i didn’t do this, i wouldn’t have been at the wrong place at the wrong time;

if i would’ve seen the red flags, i would’ve ran from that friendship years before she hurt me.’

here’s the truth: we were not given the gift of life to experience it perfectly. if there is someone that you think has lived life void of mistakes or hurt, they are a walking instagram feed: fake, curated, and lying to everyone.

i had to ask myself the hard question: why do i need my past to be perfect? what i came up with is:

1. how my past might look to other people

2. how it might have impacted where i am today

3. how much richer i might be (lol, i had to be honest)

do you see a trend in these answers? they’re hypotheticals.

here’s a common regret amongst the masses: ‘if i didn’t do this, the relationship would’ve worked out’ probably not. the truth is, you don’t know if the story would’ve unfolded happily. you never know what you were saved from. maybe God saved you from a marriage where 5 years in your boo would become a raging alcoholic. if you’re going to make hypotheticals that make you dread your past, why not make up hypotheticals that make you thankful it didn’t work out?

there is so much beauty in accepting our past. in this life, our past, present, and future will be imperfect - full of mistakes, hardships, and regret. what we learn from those times will only improve our future and refine our character. that’s why we often hear people say, “it was hard, but i’m so glad it happened,” or, “that was the most difficult thing we’ve gone through, but we see why it happened now.”

reframe the moment:

all negative events - betrayal, rejection, abuse - can carry a raw form for years after they happen. i really hate that i still have dreams replaying one of the worst nights of my life. i’ll be sleeping peacefully, then all of a sudden i’m transported to that moment - the feelings of defeat and betrayal feel as real as they did five years ago. why does our body do such a cruel thing? i think it’s because our mind is designed to survive above all else. it reads emotional trauma as ‘danger,’ and reminds us of the hurt so we can avoid it next time.

so what do we do while we’re still healing from our past? reframe the moment. because of the trauma i’ve gone through, i now choose to listen to my body more closely. you know that bad ‘gut’ feeling you get when you meet a new friend? listen to it. you know when you feel ‘off’ about someone on a first date? run - dine & dash - whatever you need to do. that is your body responding to the alerts your brain is sending saying, ‘we’ve been here before and it doesn’t end well - run!’

when you reframe the moment, you are choosing to embrace the good that comes out of pain - which is discernment that may save you in the future.

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here’s what you’re gonna do to pull yourself out of the rumination rut:

forgive those who hurt you: there is a woman at my church who was molested at a young age, and held onto bitterness because of that for years. the problem was, she was only hurting herself by doing that. someone had done something terrible to her, and it caused her to turn cold. well into adulthood, she was sick of being bitter toward life. she says that God convicted her that unforgiveness was what was holding her back from experiencing joy. that same day, she was contacted by a family member saying her abuser was in hospice. she not only went to visit him - she forgave him and was his nurse until he died. after forgiving him, the bitterness was gone. she no longer looked at life through the lens of hurt; she was set free.

i don’t know what hurt you carry, but i know it may run very deep. it’s said that the majority of traumas in life are caused by those closest to us, and that makes it hurt all the more.

you can’t control how others treat you, but you can control how you respond. you decide whether to let them continue hurting you. forgiveness may seem counterintuitive, but it’s a powerful step toward healing. by forgiving your oppressor, you’re not letting them win—you’re freeing yourself from the pain they caused. when you forgive, you regain control of your emotions.

forgive yourself

this one can be a hard one- forgiving yourself. it is easy to look back on what you did years, months, or days ago with 20/20 vision. ‘why would i ever do/say that?’ the further removed from a situation, often the clearer you see it.

i encourage you to acknowledge that you probably did the best you could with what you knew at the time. you experienced a situation you never had before, and acted in the way you saw best fit in the moment (*i am speaking to non-criminal activity, lol). it’s easy to think if you could just go back, you would get it right. however, that may not be true. you didn’t know how to handle the situation because you had never experienced it before. we are all human - flawed and emotional.

if you do not see yourself fit for forgiveness, ask yourself: ‘have i changed my ways for the better?’ true forgiveness for yourself will not happen without change. If you're not ready to forgive yourself, start by improving the area of your life that may have contributed to your mistake.

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forgiving your past will not make you forget it, but it will make the weight of it lighter. little details will fade and the regret spirals will lessen.

forgiving says ‘let’s move on.’ and there’s nothing better than moving on from the past.

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“be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” ephesians 4:32

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if this post helped you, you can buy me a coffee ❣️